7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.