Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.