“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.