If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You Might Also Like
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
yes… yes…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …