Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?