If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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The cat has already been fed.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Life hack
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
#CatsOnTwitter
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree