Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”