My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards