We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
This January has 47 Mondays