Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”