I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Hmmmmm
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now