[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
A drum solo but on your face.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Black Friday “markdowns” like
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question