Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
why I oughta
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.