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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.