[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
When you’ve simply given up.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?