I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.