“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Got ya covered
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now