“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.