*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack