describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out