Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried