Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.