I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
You Might Also Like
My plans: 2020:
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
felt that
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool