Why are bridges so flammable.
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you