Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I’m confused about plants
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.