Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.