(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
#parenting
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.