78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
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me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
crying
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Spring cleaning checklist…
i wish i could marry a nap
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no