My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎