At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing