Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
j o i m p
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
stop
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”