*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton