Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Check out the legs on this baby
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.