Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Mad Max: Furry Road
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.