Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.