Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Adultry does not sound fun at all
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*