Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Air conditioning – not a fan
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.