I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Story of my life…..
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?