Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Terribly Tuesday.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.