My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: i feel like we don鈥檛 communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where鈥檚 your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That鈥檒l be $67.50.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Neighbor鈥檚 garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here鈥檚 a great idea, let鈥檚 decorate our house with them for Christmas!
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you鈥檙e twisted, but you鈥檙e expected to hold a lot of things together.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?