what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”