I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Everything reminds me of my ex
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Chicken bread
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.