I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.