You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Raisins are grape jerky.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)