Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol