I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Not helping
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.