I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Every haunted house movie:
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
#damn
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”