Every work meeting this week
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.