If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
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I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
For the baby who has everything
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?