My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”